Stop dating potential and get real!
This is the first blog post of many from my new series: Dating 101. Unpacking the hard dating game and understanding what you can do to conquer it! In this post, we are diving into the topic of dating someone’s potential instead of their reality. Let’s explore what that means…
The Fairytale
We have all dated someone who seemed to be everything we wanted at the start. You know the story. First, they told us everything we wanted to hear, then they showered us with gifts, and basically sold us a dream that we never wanted to wake up from…Did you notice what happened when we finally woke up from that dream? We soon enough noticed that things started changing. Whether it be a lack of follow-through, broken promises, and a whole lot of talk with little to no action.
The Actuality
Unfortunately for us, once we’ve begun to realize that shift, it's already too late. We’re in way too deep and our hearts are strongly attached to emotions, which prevent us from seeing things for what they are and seeing our partners for WHO THEY ARE. Instead, we justify behaviours and try to “fix” them. Hi, my name is Pascale, and I was a fixer! If anything you just read resonated with you, then oh yes, you’re a fixer too. We all try to fix people that we love. We believe in their dreams so we try to chase it for them, we see their talent so we try to encourage them to put it to good use, we hope that they will be a great husband so we wait until their ready, the list goes on and on...do you see the pattern here?
Now, let me start by telling you that thinking that way doesn’t make you stupid; neither does it mean you’re a fool. It simply means you see the best in people and you want to support the one you love, which you should. But understand the difference between supporting and enabling…The famous saying: “I’m his ride or die” is old news. – My response to that is, “but why do I have to die though?”… Ladies, we do not need to drag ourselves down to bring someone else up. If you’re striving, living life, and killing it, find someone who matches that level. Stop settling for the idea of the man you believe he can be (read that again), and open your eyes to see the man he currently is. Understand that you cannot change him, so stop fixing!
The Challenge
Ask yourself these five questions, answer them honestly, write your answers down, and keep them to yourself. Even if you're not ready to make any changes, give this challenge a shot! Save your answers somewhere so you can revert back to them when the time is right.
Identify. What behaviours changed from the beginning compared to now? Make a list – Read it to yourself out loud.
Tip: Go back to the behaviours that attracted you to this person in the first place.
Doubt. Have you ever had moments of doubt/Second guessed your partner's actions? Yes or No - Explain
Tip: Think about the times you wanted to speak up but you didn't. Don’t forget to write down the moments or behaviours you perceive as small, those are the most important!
Energy ratio. Is the energy you put into them outweigh the energy you give to yourself?
Tip: Think about how much of yourself you’ve given to this person throughout your relationship to meet their needs. You might have caught yourself feeling disappointed and emotionally drained.
Compatibility. Are you compatible with the person you are currently dating? Yes or No – Explain
!STOP! Before answering this one, please understand the strong distinction between compatibility and chemistry. Here’s a quick description from the famous Mark Manson:
Chemistry: represents the emotional connection present when two people are together1
Compatibility: is the natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values of two people1
Tip: Think about the lies you tell yourself to justify elements that don’t align such as beliefs, life purpose, values, vision, long-term goals, etc…
Worthy. Do you think this is what you deserve? Yes or No - Explain
Tip: Often what we settle for is a direct reflection of how much we value ourselves and our level of self-worth.
You did it. Congratulations. Now breathe!
That was hard. I know. Reflecting on these elements of your relationship isn't fun. But when we're in too deep, we must take a step back and analyze. Sometimes it takes writing it down and reading it back to yourself out loud to truly get a sense of the situation you're in. Digging deep and taking the time, to be honest with ourselves is difficult, yes, but it will always result in a better you.
Now what?
What's important to remember above all is the overall message. Reflecting on what YOU want and deserve, ultimately sets the tone for the choices you make moving forward in any relationship. Let’s quickly recap:
First of all, you need to know what you want.
Secondly, step out of your situation to understand if you're dating the potential instead of the reality.
Finally, make the best choice for you.
If you’ve finished the challenge and concluded that you’re on the right track, kudos! If you’re in the opposite situation, that’s ok too. The idea of this challenge isn’t to tell you what to do with your relationship. It’s to allow you to begin asking yourself the right questions and hopefully get you to see things from a new perspective. If you would like additional tools to continue this process, check out my first blog post, where I share books that have initiated my journey to finding my true self.
All in all, even if you're not ready to make a change just yet, trust yourself enough to make the best decision for you. In life when we don’t want to make that tough decision to jump into the unknown, life has a funny way of pushing us off the ledge anyway!
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Have you done the challenge?
↓ Let me know your thoughts in the comments below ↓
1 Manson, Mark. (2013, October 1). compatibility and chemistry in relationships. Retrieved from https://markmanson.net/compatibility-and-chemistry