2020 Recap
To be fully transparent, I wrote this blog post over a month ago with the intention of posting it right away, but instead, it’s been drowning away in my drafts. At first, this post was intended to be about the recent depression I went through due to my internal struggles during this pandemic. I held back from posting because it didn't feel right. Fast forward and here I am, finally ready to share key moments of the most transformative year of my life thus far.
This year has tested everything I knew, everything I believed in, and mainly who I was. So many beautiful, dark, scary, and unexplainable things happened in the last 12 months and as wild as it was, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Dealing with loss
Top of the year, I started on the best high, coming from my 6 week humanitarian trip to Peru. That high was short-lived because I lost one of the closest people to me, my best friend of 14 years shortly after. No, that person did not die, but a part of me did. No one will truly understand the deep connection I had with this person; it went beyond friendship. I felt her pain, her struggles, and her laughs. We had been through it all. Eventually, there came a time when our friendship was only hurting both of us. I was unhappy and it seemed no longer fair to continue a friendship that clearly had taken a toxic turn.
Making the mutual decision to part ways seemed like the easiest decision to make at first, but little did I know that those feelings would continuously creep up and haunt me until I dealt with my pain and trauma. For months I told others as well as myself: “its’ all good, I’m ok, it needed to happen”. Truth is, I was so lost.
They say time heals all wounds, but I believe you also need to do some inner work to heal yourself as well. Things won't just magically get better and feelings don't just disappear. Fast-forward months later to June, I decided to take part in a beautiful and life-changing self-development retreat with my life coach and 18 other wonderful women. Raw feelings and emotions were brought to the table and laid open for all to see. That experience helped me release all of the emotions I’ve been holding in for years and allowed me to truly come to terms with the past. It gave me a safe space to take ownership and address the core of what truly transpired, own my mistakes, and understand why I felt so lost. Most of all, I learned how to allow myself to move on without holding on to guilt. If you've ever ended a relationship with a friend, partner, or family member, you most likely feel what I'm saying here...
August 15, 2020
On a much brighter note, YES, I got married during a pandemic! Did I have the wedding of my dreams with the dress and hundreds of guests? No, but we did have close family, each other, and God as our witness. My self-development retreat and many 1 on 1 sessions with my life coach saved me from going into my marriage with unfinished emotional baggage. Went in with an open heart and focused on the one person that loves me for all of me. It had been raining for days leading up to our wedding day so I was ready for the worst-case scenario, but what ended up happening was the complete opposite. 100% chance of sun and 100% chance of love and laughter.
Interestingly enough, I thought I knew who I was marrying but really only understood the true reason God brought this man into my life months later. My husband is the most selfless, compassionate, and caring man I have ever met. In recent months, I went through many personal revelations. I am 26 years old and will continue to grow and evolve as a human even when I am labelled a wife. I openly went to my husband and spoke about all of these new feelings, thoughts, and needs I had, but I feared that it would throw him off and create space between us. On the contrary, it pulled us closer together. I married the right person for me. Someone who doesn’t judge, someone who understands the fluidity of our marriage, and who will forever support what makes me happy.
Complete isolation
This pandemic has really affected me in recent months. Everything you see on the outside doesn’t always represent the reality of one’s situation. The perception people have of me is not a complete picture. They see the things I did, the things I have, and the image of the person I put out there. The truth is, between all of those moments I was truly broken. Everything I was struggling with internally was kept in silence and only seen by the white walls of my home. Every day I woke up trying so hard to be a person I simply wasn’t. I thought I would eventually convince myself that this wasn’t happening to ME, I can’t be depressed. The more I tried, the worst it got. I was in deep denial.
Everyone’s sense of “normal” had completely shifted due to this pandemic. I felt a lot of pressure to adapt quickly and just be okay. I wasn’t. Every day I struggled to be in constant isolation. I was trying to suppress these negative feelings because I didn’t think it was okay to feel them. It got to a point where I found myself constantly feeling sad and lonely.
I wrote a journal entry in early November. That day, I cried 3 times before 11 am. Each time I was trying to express what I was going through to someone, I would burst into tears. As I heard myself using words to describe my emotions to others, I was simultaneously putting pieces together. It was like having a brainstorming session with myself in order to make sense of it all.
After my tears had fallen and the thoughts in my head stood still, I found a moment of peace in my mind. No longer did I feel anxious or alone in a dark space. No longer did I feel powerless over my own thoughts. I was never alone. There was so much love in my life to be grateful for and staying in that negative space pulled me away from the sight of it all; including my faith and trust in God.
Takeaways
Accepting what was and being present for what is.
Open up the conversation and say it out loud. You’re never in this alone.
Constantly reminding myself of my reality instead of feeding into false narratives.
Today, I can proudly say that I am not the same woman I was earlier this year or even last month. Does this mean I will never feel this way again? No. There will be challenging times ahead I am sure of it. Experiencing depression gave me the tools to cope with these challenges moving forward and gave me a better understanding of who I am. In the beginning, I would feel a sense of shame when admitting that I was feeling depressed but now, I am truly thankful for how it’s shaped me. Nothing happens without a purpose. From this, I know that I am fucking resilient, and there is absolutely no shame in that!
What experience shaped you most this year?
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